Are you in or out?

*Blink* Half the people in your work place are gone, cars crashing, and a couple of airplanes start going down. The phone call falls silent. The cashier taking your money at the grocery store disappears. You see clothes, but no bodies. You hear the trumpets sound. Jesus came back for His people.

You knew it was going to happen. You had gone to church a couple of times and probably even paid attention once or twice. You remember hearing, “Jesus is coming back for His bride!” and may even clapped along with everyone else. You remember thinking that it sounded nice, but you weren’t sure if God was real or not. You thought that a lot of the things the pastor preached about sounded nice, well, except when he talked about sins you were committing. You remember going on Pinterest and repinning Bible verses with pretty pictures in the back. You remember “Sharing” posts on Facebook about Christian things and even typing “Amen” on “Would you allow Jesus in your home?” pictures. You remember putting “God first” on your Facebook and Instagram bio. You remember saying “God bless you” when someone sneezed or saying “I’ll be praying for you” when a friend was in need or suffering through something. You remember being a nice person to others and even giving a dollar to homeless people on the streets a couple of times.

When reality sets in that you’re left behind. All of a sudden your heart starts pounding. Fear instantly fills your spirit. You start to cry and fall to the ground. You start yelling, “I’m sorry, God!!!” and all of a sudden it hits you. All of a sudden every memory of the past flashes through your head.

You remember the times you joked about the Bible, you remember the times that you knew that fornication was wrong and impure, but you did it anyways. You remember the times you held a grudge against someone when you could’ve chosen to forgive. You remember the times your friend invited you to church, but you chose to go out and party instead. You remember the times where you felt you should pray, but you decided to hang out with friends instead. You remember the times that you said you loved God, but didn’t want to spend time praying or reading the Bible. You remember the times where you justified your sin. The times where you allowed yourself to gossip and speak ill of others (Psalms 34:13). The times where instead of showing compassion to others, you rejected them. The times where you supported sin because that’s what everyone else was doing (Rom 12:2). You remember opening pornographic websites and masturbating knowing that it was against God’s will for you to walk in sexual immorality (1 Cor 6:9-10, 1 Cor 6:18).

You remember the times where you didn’t stand up for the body of Christ when people around you were criticizing it. You remember putting other things before God, whether it was work, school, friends, family, etc (Matt 6:33). You remember making excuses about being too tired to go to church, but making a sacrifice to do other things (Luke 9:23). You remember saying that churches only want your money, but being willing to drop money on temporary possessions (Malachi 3:10). It starts hitting you that you were more worried about having a lot of money and having possessions that you didn’t want to surrender those things to God and walk in obedience. You start thinking about the fact that you thought you didn’t need God because your life wasn’t “that bad”. You remember calling people who went to church “Bible-thumpers” because they stood up to what the Bible said. You remember making excuses not to go to church because everyone at church was a hypocrite, but you knew deep inside that you didn’t have a relationship with God. You remember saying that the you believed in God, but not the Bible because the Bible was “written by man” (John 1:14). You remember the moments where you said “I’ll just ask for forgiveness” before knowingly committing a sin (Gal 5:19). You remember joking about “going to hell” for being mean to someone or committing a sin against God.

You start panicking realizing that since you’re left behind, that means the Holy Spirit is gone too. That means that you are alone. You realize that if you want to get right with God, you have ONE more chance, BUT you have no help. It’s just you alone. You and your flesh and this time, demons are unleashed all over the Earth. You start asking yourself a series of questions. “Why did you wait til it was too late?” “Why did you take God lightly?” “Can I fix it? If I can, how am I going to fix it?” “Why didn’t I just die to my flesh?” “Why did I allow myself to fall into sin knowing that Jesus paid the ultimate sacrifice so that I wouldn’t find myself in this very situation I’m in right now?!”.

You look around you and you see people running and demons flying by. You see fire. You see people crying and shouting. You look to the person closest to you and they’re on the ground, on their knees, crying out to God and asking for God to take them with Him. You look around to someone else and they’re asking what happened to the people around them. You get up, you start walking outside. You see complete chaos. Cars have crashed into poles, inside stores, and into other cars. You see a couple of bikes on the floor with just clothes on top of them. You look up and you see a light.

From a distance, you can see people being lifted into the sky. Then all of a sudden, you remember that the people you knew that were Christians are gone. You start thinking about the fact that if you want to make it into heaven, you’re going to have to do this thing all alone. By this point, you’re feeling hopeless. You’re thinking, “If I had the Holy Spirit willing to help me where I was weak before and still didn’t do it, how am I going to do it now, when it’s just my flesh?”

You make way through the chaos and for some reason, you want to go to your church, the one you would go to occasionally. You see some people there that you would see on Sunday. You go up to one of them and say, “Why are you still here? You were a leader, you did so many things in church, how are you still here?” They look at you and you see that their eyes are bloodshot from crying and they say, “I knew the things of God, but I didn’t work on my relationship with God.” You pause and think to yourself, “What does that even mean?” and you tell them, “You went to church on Sundays, you were a leader, you were on the worship team, you led prayers when we gave our tithes and offerings, you took classes on the Bible, how is that not working on your relationship with God?”

They stare at you, look up for a couple of seconds in agony, and look back at you. With shame in their eyes and sadness in their voice they respond, “Yes, I was a leader, I took classes on the Bible, I was on the worship team, but behind closed doors, I verbally abused my spouse (1 Cor 13:4-7), I flirted with other people (Matt 5:28), I held grudges (Matt 6:15), I judged those around me instead of lifting them up (Matt 7:1), I looked at pornography (Matt 5:27-28), I gossiped (Exodus 23:1), I played the lotto (Prov. 13:11), I was constantly lying (Col 3:9-10), I would go away in the night and get drunk (Rom 13:13), I cursed others (Ephesians 4:29), and I was prideful (Prov. 16:5). When I prayed in the front of the church, I did it so that I could be seen and esteemed by others, I did it so that people would recognize who I was. I was doing it so that I could hold a position in the church. I never did things out of relationship with God, I did it so that I would be seen and glorified by man (Matt 6:1).”

You ponder everything that person tells you and you say, “But you didn’t kill anyone, you didn’t steal from people, you were a good person you just had flaws.” The person looks you straight in your eyes and says, “I did kill someone. Jesus died, so I could be set free from the things I knowingly was doing, which means that I took His death lightly and in vain (Heb 10:26). I was the crown on His head, I was the nails on His hands and feet, and I was the whip that slaughtered every bit of flesh in His body. I killed my spouse’s spirit when I verbally abused them and watched pornography behind their backs (Ephesians 5:25-33). I killed my marriage when I flirted with other people. I killed lost souls when I judged them and cursed them instead of lifted them up. I killed myself when I let myself swim in pride.”

You start hearing ringing in your ears and your body starts to shake. You can feel sweat on the back of your neck and you feel like your eyes are rolling to the back of your head. You look at this person and all of a sudden your vision becomes blurry. You take a seat on a nearby pew. Thoughts just start rushing through your mind. “How come I didn’t know all this? And why did I take learning the things of God and the words written in the Bible so lightly?” You grab unto the side of the pew and your hands are sweating and it slips. You fall to the floor. You can’t get up so you just lay there looking up.

You start questioning every past decision you made. “Was it worth going to the club to get drunk and not going to church to hear the word of God? Was it worth being in that relationship that you knew wasn’t the one God had for you? Was it worth having sex with all those people and not getting any emotional fulfillment? Was it worth holding grudges over mistakes people made? Was it worth freely cursing others because it made you feel better in the moment? Was it worth judging others who stood up for God and His commandments so that you were part of the “in” crowd? Was it worth staying home and watching things you weren’t supposed to rather than going to church and getting your spirit fed? Was it worth getting extra hours at work and not going to church on Sundays? Was it worth not tithing because you needed that money in the moment instead of being obedient to God and trusting that He would provide? Was it worth being prideful and not accepting God’s help when in the end, you ended up with roots of bitterness and resentment? Was it worth it? Was it worth secluding yourself from people who were going to convict you spiritually so that you wouldn’t feel judged or forced to realize that the things you were doing were wrong? Was it worth conforming to the world because you didn’t want to be known as “that person”? Was it worth filling your ears with secular music instead of worshiping God? Was it worth lusting constantly instead of seeking God’s will in your romantic life? Was it worth it?!”

Suddenly, you find yourself screaming out with your eyes shut and at the top of your lungs, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! It wasn’t worth it!!!! None of it was worth it!!!! I should’ve surrendered my will! I should’ve fought my flesh to have a relationship with God! I should’ve read the Bible more! I should’ve prayed more! I should’ve worshiped more! I should’ve died to my flesh! I should’ve done more!”

*Alarm beeps* With your heart still pounding and your body still shaking, you open your eyes. You’re in your room. Your hands are filled with sweat. You slowly get up from your bed and notice that something is different about your room. You notice this old Bible that someone gave you a long time ago is opened, which is strange because you haven’t opened that Bible in years.

You look down at the pages and you see this verse highlighted:

 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven.  Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’  And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!’ Matthew 7:21‭-‬23

 You see a note written next to the verse and it says:

“I love you and I want you to love me too. -God”

There are many people today playing with their salvation. Where do you stand with God? If today were the day when Jesus came back for His church, would you stay? Or would you go? Some people didn’t wake up today, but you did. If you’re not where you should be with God, repent before it’s too late. Jesus loves you so much that He died for you, so that you wouldn’t have to be far from God, so don’t take His death for you lightly and come back to your first love with God. If you don’t know what to say, just simply say this prayer:

“Heavenly Father,

I recognize that I am a sinner and that my sin separates me from you. Today, I freely repent of all my sins and ask Jesus to be my savior. Jesus, come into my heart, come into my mind, and dwell in my spirit. I break every covenant with the world, with my flesh, and with Satan. If I were to die today or if you were to come today, I would wake up in your arms. In the name of Jesus, Amen.”

God bless you all!


The Gift of a Friend

On August 4th, 2014, I found out I was pregnant. My first reaction was fear and I immediately thought to get an abortion (something I was ALWAYS against). On August 7th, 2014, I decided to meet up with my friend Chloe Arenas at Sweet! for some frozen yogurt and cupcakes. I hadn’t seen her in a while because she was always so busy with school, works, and just her day to day life, but she made time that day to see me and we sat outside to catch up on life. While we were catching up, there was a silent moment and I just blurted out, “I’m pregnant”. Chloe just looked at me and was like, “What?” with a combination of a smile and a shocked look on her face. As we proceeded to talk about it, I told her that I was planning to get an abortion because I couldn’t have the baby in the circumstances I was in and I also didn’t want to disappoint my father. She looked at me and said, “Don’t do it. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.” I continued to give her all the reasons why I couldn’t go through with the pregnancy and as she looked at me and listened, she told me that everything would work itself out. She told me that she wasn’t going to tell me what to do because in the end it was my decision, but she really thought that I shouldn’t do it.

A couple of days later after meeting with Chloe, I made an appointment to go through with the abortion because I just couldn’t bear the thought of bringing my child into a hectic lifestyle, disappointing my life, and having to put my life on hold (which were all very selfish reasons to want to get rid of a baby). I remember I told Chloe about it and she said, “Is this really what you want?” (not in a judgmental way, but in a concerned way) and she continued to give me reasons as to why I shouldn’t worry. One of the things she said was that God was going to align everything and everything was going to work out. At that moment in my life, I had strayed away from my relationship with God, but when she said that, deep in my heart, I knew she was right, but I was still fearful. By that point, the people that knew about my pregnancy said that they would support me through whatever decision I made, nobody voiced that I shouldn’t have the abortion besides Chloe. I remember that I went to the clinic and sat there and all I could remember was “God was going to align everything”. I went through all the process that they do, the sonogram, checking of my blood, and etc. When the time came to go through with the rest of the process, I felt that conviction in my heart, but I also knew that as soon as I said I changed my mind, there was going to be a sense of peace. So, I changed my mind. As soon as I called Chloe to tell her, she was so excited and overjoyed and talked about how she couldn’t wait to meet the baby and spoil the baby and how she was so happy for us. She reiterated that we shouldn’t worry because God was going to provide everything we needed. She was right. God provided and He did so in abundance.

On April 14, 2015, Selena Christine Pagán was born. Chloe was a big influence in that crucial moment of my life and God used her to steer me in the right direction. Unfortunately, Chloe Nicole Arenas passed away two months after Selena was born. The last time I got to see her in person was one night that she visited my church. We had kept saying that we needed to meet up so that she could meet Selena, but she had a lot going on at the time and wasn’t able to. She got to see her through SnapChat (thank God for technology) and pictures that I would send her, but she didn’t get to hold her. I think about it and it makes me really sad because she was such a big reason Selena is here today.

So, I wanted to honor her on the day of Selena’s first birthday.


Today is Selena’s first birthday and the fact that she’s here is because of God’s grace and because He used you to convict me in the time that I needed it the most. I wanted to thank you. Thank you for not being a “yes” friend and for standing up to what was right. Thank you for not conforming to the patterns of the world in that moment and standing up against abortion. You had your reasons and that literally saved my life. You were 100% right, I would’ve regretted my decision if I would’ve gone through with it. Selena has been the best gift that God could’ve given me. I will forever be grateful to you. Everything worked out, just like you said. God definitely spoke through you that day at Sweet!. Chris and I got married legally before the baby, you already knew that, but on November 15th, 2015, we got married before God. It was bittersweet definitely because I wasn’t able to share that moment with you, but I had a representation of you on my bouquet. 

I miss you every day. I remember your constant laughter and your silliness and it always makes me smile. It breaks my heart that you didn’t get to meet Selena in person. You would have a blast with her. She is so silly! There are things she does that remind me of you. She definitely has a way of making everybody laugh. She’s brought so much joy into everyone’s life. I pray that she has a heart like yours. A heart to love others, a heart to serve others, a heart to forgive others, and a heart to bring joy and laughter to others because that’s who you were. You were always there to help everyone, you were always with a smile on your face, you always saw the good in things, you had a heart for adventure, and you had a heart for people. I wish Selena could grow up around you, but she will definitely hear stories about you. No matter what, you will always be her Titi Chloe in heaven. 

One of the last things you said to me was that you were so proud that I made the right decision in keeping Selena. I’m proud of you for saying, “Don’t do it”, when you could’ve easily said, “sure, do what you feel”. Your friendship was God’s gift to me. I couldn’t not be any more grateful to God for placing you in my life in the right time. You brought me so much happiness and laughter just being around you and from the looks of it, Selena got that same trait as her Titi Chloe. I love you forever. Until we meet again in heaven, you’ll always be in my heart.

Chloe loved elephants, so for Selena’s first birthday pictures, I decided that I wanted a representation of her.IMG_0604-2016-04-08at21-58-15

Photo Taken by: Mandy Finley Photography




The Struggle of a Strong Heart


Have you ever felt like you always are willing to do for other what they aren’t willing to do for you? I would feel a lot like that in the past. I always felt like I was always so willing to give myself to everyone and I never got the same in return. I always felt like I was always willing to call people or text them to check up on them, but “nobody” ever called or texted to see how I was doing. Or sometimes I felt like I would go out of my way to spend time with people, but they didn’t make the same effort with me. I would get really offended and hurt and feel a huge sense of rejection in my heart. I always put up a front like I wasn’t phased by the fact that the people I thought of as friends didn’t reach out to me. I didn’t want anyone to see a vulnerable side of me. I thought that’s what made me strong.

We live in a world that grows colder by the minute. A world that looks at showing any kind of emotion is seen as weakness. Because I didn’t want to be seen as weak or vulnerable, I chose to put up a front as if nothing hurt me. In my mind, that front made me think that not showing emotions made me strong. Boy, did I have it so wrong! Showing emotions is hard. Showing that you care and letting someone know that they hurt you takes guts. That’s true strength. So when I think about it, we work so hard to be emotionally “strong”, when in reality, what we’re actually achieving is being emotionally weak. We live in a world where people rather pay psychologist and counselors to talk about their problems instead of facing them head on. The world tries to be strong by competing on social media as to know can care less the most. People work so hard on physical strength and going to the gym, but they have no clue how to be emotionally strong. People are afraid to fall in love because they’ve been hurt before, so they think that putting an emotional wall up makes them strong, but in reality, it just makes them scared.

What if Jesus would’ve taken on the “I don’t care” attitude? Deciding that you are going to die for humanity to be saved, including people who will not believe in you and reject you, takes strength. Loving is not for the weak. Our idea of what it means to be emotionally strong has been so twisted because that’s what the devil wants. He wants to take anything that God calls truth and twist it in his own way. So the people that are actually bold enough to be vulnerable and love unto others and have compassion over others are seen as “weak”, or the modern term for that would be called “soft”.

So what is the struggle of the strong heart?

I would pity myself so much before because I thought that loving others and always wanting to check up on people and spend time with people and things of that nature made me weak. I remember always hoping that I could be strong and have the “I don’t care” attitude. Until one day, I did. I remember thinking it was great not caring about anything and just worrying about myself, what I wanted, how I was feeling, where I was going, what I was going to do, and how people could fulfill my needs. It was the most loneliest time in my life. It was the most selfish time of my life that I ever lived. I would use people as drugs, in the sense that I would hang out with them until I felt too invested, then move on to the next person. However, we all know that drugs are temporary highs, so at some point you have to crash. When I hit rock bottom, I remember looking back at all the people I had been around, but not invested any genuine time in. I remember that I would be around people, but I wasn’t really emotionally invested in people like I used to be. I didn’t know what was going on in my friends’ lives, my family members’ lives, and all I had were guys that I would talk to when I wanted to feel wanted, but I didn’t invest in them either. I just used them for companionship and a fake sense of friendship. They were there and available. I thought it made me strong to play with people’s feelings because mine had been played with. I thought that leading guys on made me strong because I had been led on many times, but in reality in those moments, I was weak. I thought I was strong by “being ahead of the game” or by “having the upper hand” or whatever people want to call it, but in reality I was weak. I was trying to mask my weakness.

It takes strength to love people. It takes even MORE strength to love people that we don’t like. It takes strength to open our hearts when we’ve been hurt. It takes strength to not hold on to offense. It takes strength to TRULY forgive (“I forgive, but I don’t forget” isn’t real forgiveness). It takes courage to love people beyond their faults. It takes courage to love people who reject, betray, and offend you, but guess what. Jesus loves us beyond our faults. Jesus loves us even though we’ve rejected, betrayed, and offended him.  Jesus forgives us all of our wrongs once we ask for forgiveness, no questions asked.

People love to say “I’m not God, I can’t love like that”. If you claim to believe and love Jesus, you will be filled with the love of Jesus. The commandments that Jesus gave in Matthew 22:37-39 was “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’“. 

When you love someone, you honor their word. A way of showing love is by being obedient and if Jesus said to love one another, as hard as it is, that’s what we should strive for. Loving people is powerful and can transform someone’s life.

I challenge you to not conform to the  patterns of this world and not give into the cold-hearted mentality of society and love others. Love others like yourself, forgive others, and learn how to express your hurts. Pride is a killer. Pride got Lucifer kicked out of heaven and it could literally be your demise. Our society praises people having pride, but it doesn’t do anything for your soul and your spirit. Let go of pride and embrace humbling yourself. I promise, in the long run, it’ll be the best thing you do.

Remember that the strongest person isn’t the one who doesn’t care, but the one who loves the hardest.

Be blessed!


I declare any spirit of pride to let go of your life and for you to be filled with the spirit of love in the name of Jesus!

The Day I Chose Forgiveness



“I forgive, but don’t forget.”

That’s such a common phrase you hear. It’s true that sometimes it’s impossible to forget about situations, especially when you have an extremely good memory, but when people use this term they usually say it because they don’t actually forgive, but rather “sweep it under the rug”. It’s said as a way of making it seem like you chose to forgive, but you’re going to use the situation against that very person you “forgave” when another big issue comes along, so is that really forgiving?

I used to be the biggest grudge holder in the history of life. Okay, maybe not life, but I would hold grudges for THEE longest time. I would hold a grudge for the smallest things possible. For example, when we were teenagers, my sister and I fought over who ate the other’s last yogurt (it was definitely my yogurt that she ate, but you know, I forgave ha, ha) and I literally was mad for probably about a week or two (now we laugh about it). I would hold grudges against friends who stood me up or had friends who talked bad about me or would never make an effort to hang out with me unless I went to them, or just whatever other things are possible to do to hurt or offend another person. Some of the things I had a valid reason for being hurt (others, I was just emotionally immature), but that didn’t mean I had a valid reason to stay hurt.

When I was five years old, my dad and my biological mother split up. During that time, my biological mother chose a lifestyle of drugs and prostitution (she’s turned her life around since then and has a relationship with Christ and is a woman of God). I would only really hear from her when she was in jail. As soon as I got a letter in the mail, I knew that she was in jail. Society always paints the picture of the fathers leaving the family, but this time, my biological mother left my brother (from her side) and me to be raised by our fathers. I moved with my grandparents until my dad got settled and in that time my biological mother had gotten locked up again. At that age I really didn’t understand what was going on. When I was with my grandparents in Puerto Rico (my maternal grandparents), they always told me that my biological mom was in the hospital. It wasn’t until later where the truth was revealed to me. I took kindergarten in Puerto Rico and at my graduation my dad came to pick me up and bring me to Florida where I had a step-mother and step-sister waiting to meet me. It wasn’t the “happily ever after” I thought it would be. When I moved in with what would be my new family at the time, I didn’t get treated the best by the step-mother I had at the time, probably not on purpose, but because there was lack of knowledge on how to deal with a child that was going through the emotional situation I was going through. There was a lack of affection and compassion. Then my father got divorced to that step-mother and we lived just him and I for about three years, which brought on a lot of feelings of rejection and abandonment again.

I had a rough childhood emotionally because of all this situation. I always bottled up my emotions, I didn’t know how to express myself, and those things spiraled into a whirlwind of emotional issues. As a child I grew up with low self-esteem, always felt rejected, fearful of the future, emotionally unstable, I had a feeling of abandonment, depression, and I could never seem to be genuinely happy, even though on the outside I seemed like a social butterfly that had it all.

When I was a thirteen, my dad married who I now say is my mom and gained a brother and a sister. However, when they got married, it was so difficult for me to open up to the idea of a family. I had dealt with disappointment, rejection, abandonment, and lack of affection for so long and I had put up such a wall that I didn’t know how to receive love. I didn’t understand that was a concept until later, but I could give people love, I just couldn’t receive it. I constantly rejected the idea of doing things as a family because it was my way of protecting myself emotionally, even though I didn’t realize that I was hurting the people around me by doing so. It wasn’t until I got older that I started appreciating the little things we did as a family. However, during those teenage years, there were many fights, SOOO many grudges, resentments, and throwing things in each other’s faces. Our family in general had a problem with forgiveness. We lacked the ability to truly forgive each other when we got into arguments and disagreements.There were times when I would argue with my dad and I wouldn’t talk to him for two months. Two months!!! To look back on that now and it’s so crazy that we were able to do that. Our family was a disaster because of lack of forgiveness, which is basically a silent killer.

Those feelings of unforgiveness and resentment followed me into my adult life. As an adult, all those negative feelings that I grew up with constantly came back in situations when it came to relationships with people. I constantly felt like if a friend wasn’t close to me like they were in the beginning, I was being rejected. I always felt like once friends made new friends, I was being replaced. Because I didn’t learn how to express my feelings verbally as a child, when I felt hurt, it automatically turned into anger, and I would hold a grudge, reject the person that hurt me, or even worse, try and “get them back” for hurting me. When I got hurt, I would automatically put up walls against people and I would “forgive”, but I literally would store it in an emotional box and use it for “ammo” later if I ever got into an argument with that person. Can you imagine living that way? It was like a huge load on my shoulders to constantly carry.

Sometime last year, I went through an experience at the place I used to work and I remember it really tested my faith. I remember being put in an uncomfortable position in my workplace because of money. I had just given birth to my daughter and I was financially in a hold because of a no paid maternity leave and I wasn’t able to honor my supervisor. I was put in an uncomfortable position because my supervisor, who I considered a friend, got upset because a situation blew out of proportion. At that point in time, I was hurt, I felt misunderstood, I felt rejected, and I felt like someone I had considered a friend and loved so much had turned their back on me. I eventually made the decision to leave that specific place where I worked, but for a long time, I carried the hurt in my heart. The hurt of rejection and in that moment I felt like those feelings of rejection from the past came up all over again. I got angry, but most of all, I was just holding resentment. I said I forgave her, but I carried those feelings in my heart. I remember it was hard for me to worship and pray because I was carrying that hurt and anger, so I couldn’t receive what God wanted to give me or say to me.

It wasn’t until I learned in church how life-threatening unforgiveness is. It may sound dramatic, but unforgiveness is literally life-threatening. Unforgiveness effects your spirit and your soul, as well as your physical body. When you live in unforgiveness, it causes roots of bitterness, resentment, and those things lead to spiritual death. When you reach spiritual death, you begin living in depression, discouragement, anger, and you these emotions are linked to your natural body. Cancer and other major diseases all have roots of unforgiveness (or they could be generational curses, but that’s a whole other subject). Unforgiveness causes eventual death. That sounds crazy, right? It may sound crazy, but it’s true. When you live a lifestyle of unforgiveness, you also cut off your blessings. God will not listen to your prayers when  you are holding a grudge in your heart. God will allow demons to torture you if you don’t forgive others (Matthew 18:34-35). God will not forgive your sins if you don’t forgive other people (Matthew 6:14-15). Not forgiving others is a sin against God.

When I learned that, it really made me think . How many times have I failed God? How many times did I lie? How many times did I offend God? How many times did I fornicate in my past? How many times did I put other things before God? How many times did I get drunk? How many times did I fail to honor my mother and father and the rest of the ten commandments?  I failed God on a daily basis. So how was I going to not forgive someone for offending me or hurting me or betraying me or rejecting me, but expect God to forgive me when I do all the same things to Him? I expected God to forgive me of ALL my sins, but I didn’t forgive my neighbor (friend, sibling, parents, boyfriend, coworkers, boss…ect.). I wanted God to forgive me. Jesus forgave me and died for me KNOWING I was going to fail Him daily. So who are we to not forgive? The Bible says in Hebrews 8:12, “For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more”, so if God can forgive and forget, what makes us so special that when a person asks us for forgiveness, we store it in a box and decide we’ll use it against them later?

The day I chose to forgive was probably one of the best days of my life. I remember being in an inner-healing and deliverance retreat at my church when they spoke about unforgiveness and I remember when they prayed for me and I got delivered from the spirit of unforgiveness and I just felt a freedom. A freedom I had never felt before. I stood there and named the people I needed to forgive and all of a sudden, I felt God literally fill me with this love and compassion. I remember crying on the floor for a whiiiiileee, but it was because I felt free. I felt like that load of grudges I had carried for years against my biological mother, my father, my siblings, friends, past relationships, past friendships, past experiences, against myself, and just all of those feelings of resentment left and I just felt so light. I felt a joy that can only come from Christ in my spirit. I realized that each and every person who comes into our life will offend us at some point, they will fail us at some point, they will disappoint us and even make us mad at some point, but we also will fail, offend, disappoint, and anger people, but there is freedom in forgiveness. Forgiveness gives you spiritual life as well as spiritual freedom. God can bless you with more if you aren’t holding onto resentments and grudges.

Here’s what I want to leave off with,all of us have been hurt, rejected, betrayed, people have said negative things about us, we’ve been abandoned by a parent,  or we’ve been hurt by our families at some point, but there is power when you make the decision to forgive. Forgiving isn’t an emotion. You don’t wake up in the mood to forgive. You have to make a conscious decision to forgive. Sometimes you can’t forgive by your own will power and that’s when you have to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to give you strength to forgive those who have wronged you in the past, as well as asking for forgiveness for the ones that you’ve wronged before. Forgiveness opens the heavens for God to bless you. So, today, I challenge you to be bold and make the decision to forgive those people who’ve hurt you. Let God wipe you of those hurts, those pains, those nights filled with crying, and allow yourself to be set free from that load on your shoulders.


If you need prayer or just anyone to talk to about any situation,

Don’t hesitate to email me at or message me through Facebook: Eixa Pagan


I pray blessings upon your life and I declare that every spirit of unforgiveness loosens you NOW in the name of Jesus!

It’s Not Goodbye, I’ll See You In Heaven

When I was 15, my uncle who I was closest to passed away. I didn’t see him all the time, but he was till the uncle I grew up around. I loved him so much. His death was the first time I experienced death so close. A year later in my sophomore year of high school, a friend I made in high school passed away by brutally being stabbed. We weren’t that close, but he was still someone I knew and interacted with. At that point it made me realize that anyone could die at any given moment. However, I didn’t grasp how deep death was too well. In 2010, I lost my older brother from my biological mom’s side. Again, we weren’t that close because we grew up in different households, but he was my flesh and blood. It didn’t completely hit me right away either.

It wasn’t until two of my close friends passed away that death smacked me in the face. It wasn’t til I suffered the loss of two friends, who I was in communication with constantly and became family, that was when the death of people suddenly hit me straight in the face. I never would’ve pictured that my two friends who were only 21 and 25 would lose their life so young. That’s when I realized that nobody is without the possibility of death.

I started this month of February writing a love letter to my father and now I want to continue a love letter to one of my best friends, Kristie Diaz. My best friend who I lost too soon. She was only 25 years old when she passed away. It was a month and a couple of days before her 26th birthday. Life hasn’t been the same without her.

My dear and loving Kristie, or as we knew you, K. Diaz,

Where do I start? Do you remember that we didn’t like each other in high school? You used to say I was stuck up and I was mean to you. Welll, I was only a little stuck up. I remember having French class with you and Kristie Lee and I always thought you were so loud and you always had something to say (which you always did have something to say, but later on, that’s what I loved about you). I remember getting upset with Freisa because you were saying stuff about me and she didn’t stick up for me.  It wasn’t until Freisa asked me one time to come with her to Gators to hang out with you, Pierre, and Nadia because she wanted “support” to hang out with her own friends (ha, ha Oh Freisa!). She had to convince me to go and convince me to be nice to you. I’m glad I went though, we actually connected that day and who would’ve thought that we’d end up being best friends. 


I remember always getting into “discussions” with you about everything. You sure loved to debate! I loved that you always kept a conversation going. It challenged me intellectually and it challenged me in my faith. We didn’t always agree on things. You always tried to convince me of things, but you ended up having to agree to disagree. You always ended up arguing with Pierre and man, that was always a show to see. We loved getting you hyped about stuff, especially Pierre. We all knew how much you loved Pierre. I’m pretty sure you loved him more than any of your friends (I say that, but you better not have! Lol). You loved him with every fiber of your being. I remember all of us having movie nights, which I don’t think we ever actually finished a whole movie because we ended up talking and eating. We always got together to eat. Oh how you LOVED cooking for your friends. You always made the best pasta and always made brownies for us from scratch (those brownies were life).  You had a way of bringing us all together to just spend quality time together and have long conversations filled with lots of laughter. 




You were such an amazing friend. I remember we would spend hours talking when I went over. You always started a new topic as I was heading out the door so that I would stay longer. I don’t think there was ever a time that I left your house early. We’d hang out in the kitchen talking while you cooked me a meal (because you always spoiled me). I remember your mom and I teaming up and calling you “translucent” whenever you talked about being “tan” ha, ha. We would always talk about your love for Robert Pattinson and when I was so into T.I (oh, our younger years). We’d talk about our problems with family or friends or relationships, we’d talk about our future goals, and everything in between. I remember you would sometimes say that you wanted a wedding and then sometimes you didn’t want to get married lol. Or you would talk about not wanting children, but before you passed, you mentioned that you wanted a child, but that you felt that was never going to happen. Deep inside, I know you just longed to be loved. You longed for an unconditional love that you felt you never received. You don’t realize how much you were loved though, but now you are in heaven receiving all the love from our God Almighty. 

You were one of the strongest people I knew. You were always in pain or always sick or somehow always with a broken or sprained body part, but you always had a smile on. You always made me laugh. You were always willing to help and be there for any family member or friends.

You always had a way of making your presence known. My mom called you “Superstar”. You really were. You had a talent for acting. I remember how excited you were to start acting when you saw Freisa acting. I remember how excited you were to be doing something you loved. You were always making sure everyone else was okay and taken care of, so it was nice seeing you do something that you loved. You lit up the stage when you came out doing your hilarious skits. Then your light started to dim after being in a relationship that destroyed you inside. I don’t hold any grudges against the person that broke you and stole your joy, but it hurts sometimes that we lost 9 months of spending time together because of someone who took you for granted, who instead of lifting you up, broke your spirit, someone who took the joy you had in your heart and robbed you of your self-esteem. We spent nine months apart. You spent nine months by yourself being tortured with nobody to lift you up. I remember being angry because I knew deep in my heart what was going on, but I couldn’t force you to see something you didn’t want to see. I’m happy that I was able to die to my pride and I stopped by your house to see how you were doing after nine months of zero communication. God seriously knew what He was doing at that point.

I still remember the smile on your face when you opened the door that day. I remember that smile quickly turned into tears as you began to cry and say I’m sorry for pushing me away because of a man that was controlling you, manipulating you, and destroying your spirit. It was October. October 2014. I remember how you broke down and told me everything that was going on. I remember being infuriated with that person because of what they were doing to you emotionally and mentally. I told you to cut it off and stand up for yourself and slowly, but surely you did. After we caught up on what was going on in your life, I told you the news about me being pregnant. You were so excited. You talked about how you were going to spoil my child and take them to Disney. 

That year was the last birthday I got to spend with you. I still remember that night. I was pregnant. I was so happy to spend my birthday with the people who were so important to me. I remember how much you had me laughing that night, especially when we were playing Heads Up. Then a couple of days later we celebrated Freisa’s birthday. That day was an epic day for you. That’s when you saw Alex again after a year. Who would’ve thought, right? You guys forgot about everyone that night and were just hanging out and talking the whole night. I was so happy for you because I knew how interested you were in him. He really made you happy. You always talked about how sweet he was and how he made you feel so beautiful. Things eventually didn’t work out, but you guys had something special while it lasted. He really loved you. He wrote Freisa a beautiful message after he found out of your passing. 



One of the best gifts that I thank God for is that you were able to meet Selena. You were always asking me how my pregnancy was going and after Selena was born you came the very next day to see her. You were always asking for pictures of her to brighten your day. I wish I would’ve captured the moment with a picture the day you met her and held her, but it will forever be in my heart. I still have the messages that you wrote me about her being able to call you “Tata” because that’s what Sophia called you and Selena was going to have the same privilege. 

The day I saw people were posting R.I.P on your Facebook, my heart stopped. I had literally just talked to you like a week or so before. You were busy with nursing school and I had just had Selena and had gone back to work, so we didn’t get to spend that much time together, but we messaged through Whatsapp. I remember calling Freisa right away and we met up at my house to immediately go to your mom’s house. When we got there, your mom said that she didn’t know why people were writing R.I.P because you were still in the hospital. So we went right away and prayed over you. We had faith and believed you would come back, but God had other plans. I’m not going to lie, there was a moment where I was angry with God. I cried for days. I cried nonstop at random moments. “Why?” was what I was constantly asking myself. I remember playing Nina’s Sky’s “Missing You” over and over and over again and in between I would play “our” song and I would just break out crying because so many memories came to my mind. I kept thinking about the fact that Selena wasn’t going to get to know you and that literally broke my heart. 


 I remember going to the hospital before they unplugged the machines that were helping you breath. I had so much faith that you were going to wake up that I didn’t say goodbye, but maybe I wasn’t supposed to and that was the point. Before you passed, you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior, so I know that I’ll see you in heaven. Freisa was the last one to see you and talk to you. She was the last one to ever hold your hand and tell you that we all loved you. Your  mom donated your organs, which is exactly what we all know you would’ve wanted. Can you believe that you saved four lives though? Amazing, huh? Even after you passed away, you still served others.

It hasn’t been an easy journey accepting that you’re not here anymore. I live super close to where you lived, so I’m constantly reminded of your absence. Sometimes I pass in front of your house to cut through to go to my parents’ house. Passing by your house brings back so many memories. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. We always talked about who would get married and settle down first and you always said that it would be me, but I always said it would be you. We even made a bet for $20 on who would have a baby first (I totally owe you $20 lol). I got married by the church. It hurt my heart that you couldn’t be there, but I had a representation of you on my bouquet. Chloe wasn’t able to be there either, but you already know that because I’m sure you’re both in heaven. 


Sometimes I just want to pick up my cellphone and send you a message through Whatsapp. I still have all the pictures we have together. I have voice messages from Whatsapp with us singing Disney songs. I have a video of a time that we were in the hospital being silly. I’m glad that I have random memories of you saved. I still cry at times because I would’ve never thought that I would lose a close friend at such a young age. I miss you so much.  Freisa doesn’t talk too much about it, but I know she misses you a lot. Pierre is hurting. He misses you so much and he hasn’t fully come to terms either. You were such an important person in our group, so it doesn’t feel the same without you. We have planned to get together and have a Gator night in honor of you and our nights together when Pierre comes down from New York. 

Many things come to mind when I think of you and I can go on forever with so many memories and moments of laughter, but the only words I can think to sum you all up is “BEAUTIFUL SOUL”. You loved hard, you were always willing to serve others before yourself, and you always made sacrifices for your family and friends. You are forever remembered. You are forever missed. I still randomly think of you and cry, but I know that when Jesus comes back, we will meet once again in Heaven. 

Fly high, butterfly!



Love of a Daughter

Now that I’ve gotten a little older (I’m not that old, just a quarter of a century) and have a child, I am beginning to realize how hard it is to be a parent. My daughter is only 10 months and there are moments where I don’t exactly know what to do and have to go with my gut instinct, so I can only imagine how it will be when she gets older. Through the experience of young adulthood, I have started to look back and truly appreciate the parents God blessed me with, especially my father.

February is the month of love and as I look back, my first love (as most daughters first loves are) was my father. I was (still am, don’t hate) always a daddy’s girl. My dad is the most hardworking man I have ever met (not saying there aren’t any other hard working daddies out there). Growing up, I saw my father work hard and struggle to get everything he has today. With that being said, here I am with an open love letter to the man who captured my heart from the day I was born.

To my father, or as I know him, Papi,

Thank you for the sacrifices you made throughout the years. You didn’t always have the right thing to say and you didn’t always know how to express all the love you felt in your heart for your children, but you tried in your own understanding. I admire that you always made sure your kids had what they needed, even when they weren’t doing things right.  In my understanding as a daughter, I never understood why you helped your kids when they failed to do things right, whether it was obey you or obey the law, but now as an adult and as a child of God, I realize that that’s what God does with us. We fail God daily, we turn our backs on Him, we don’t talk to Him, but He’s always there when we need us and that’s what you portrayed as a father. When your kids turned their backs on you, you still loved (love) them with open arms.



I have never met a man who worked so hard for their family like you did throughout the years. You did it all. You worked hard during the day, went to school at night, and made sure to get me to church on Sundays, Wednesday nights, and Friday nights for youth service. You made sure that you instilled the value of a relationship with God in my life, the value of education, the value of obedience, and the value of submitting to authority. Little did I know in my younger years how valuable those lessons were in order to succeed, not only in the world, but also in our walk with Christ. We were always bumping heads because I was so disobedient and wanted to conform to the patterns of this world, but your prayers were heard and God convicted me everywhere I went and every decision I made.



I always saw you as the strongest man ever. You went through heartbreaks, disappointment from life, your children, and even a hard divorce, but I never saw you cry. You made sure to hold it together, so that you were able to provide stability and comfort for me. In your toughest moments of your life, you made sure to provide me with stability and made sure that I succeeded in whatever I set my mind to, whether it was academically or when I was playing basketball. You went through a tough divorce in the toughest time of my life, my preteen years. In your suffering, you still made sure I made it to basketball practices on time, you were at each and every one of my games, you made sure dinner was on the table, you made sure I had everything I needed for school, made sure I still kept up with my grades, and you were a pillar of strength for me. I know it wasn’t easy for you to be alone with a preteen daughter going through hormonal changes. I’m sorry that there were many times that I took you granted.


There were many times where I was more worried about who wasn’t in my life instead of appreciating the father that I did have in my life. I wasn’t that great of a help in your times of suffering and I’m sorry. I think there were just times that I was so caught up in myself and I saw you so strong that I would forget that you were human and suffered too. You suffered all the time and nobody ever knew how to console you. You suffered the pregnancy of a teen daughter, who was the light of your eyes, your first princess, you suffered the arrests of your first born, you suffered the rejection of your children, the loss of your older brother, the loss of your mother, the loss of a marriage you tried hard to save, all that aside from financial issues, health problems, and spiritual attacks from the enemy. You dealt with it alone most of the time because everyone saw the tough exterior and didn’t try to reach in and break the walls of hurt you had built up, until you met the woman God had for you, your ideal helper, Susy. Before that I feel like I failed you as a daughter and for that I am sorry. You reflected your hurt with anger, but we should’ve known that in the depths of your soul was a heart longing to be loved. However, now as an adult and as a mother, I thank you for being the tough and strict father you were and still are at times (since you still call me to yell at me for red light tickets ha, ha).


I’m sorry that I didn’t do things in the order you (and I) would’ve hoped for. I know your dreams for me were to finish school first, THEN get married, and THEN have a child, but as we know I had to learn a different way. However, thank God that He makes a message out of a mess. However, I’m grateful to God for allowing me to have the opportunity of having you in the room as I gave birth to my beautiful daughter, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I’m also eternally grateful to God that you were able to walk me down the aisle. Maybe it wasn’t done in the order we would’ve both hoped for, but it truly means the world to me that God allowed me to share the most important moments of my life with my first love.

I thank you for the five hour lectures (okay, maybe like 2-3 hours ha, ha) and for being strict. I thank you for constantly reminding me to seek God, to put Him first, and to live a life of obedience to Him. Thank you for your prayers. Thank you for pushing me to better no matter what obstacles life threw at me because we are more than conquerors in Jesus. Thank you for sticking by my side and making sure that I always had everything I needed and wanted (because I was kind of a brat). Thank you for showing me the love of a father, not just through your love to me, but through the love you showed your other children. Thank you for pushing me to be better. Thank you for showing me the value of hard work and that when you set goals for yourself and work hard toward them, you can accomplish anything. You were able to go back to school, work full time, and finish school after already having a family to hold up. You were always the strict parent, but you always reminded me that God didn’t place you as my parent to be my friend, but to guide me through life. I used to always hate when you told me you aren’t going to last me all of my life, you don’t say it anymore, but I still hate the thought of it because I can’t picture my life without you (I still cry every time I think about it, as in, I’m crying as I type this).

My father, my first love, my forever love, I thank you. I honor you publicly because you deserve for the world to know that you were a father who gave it all for your kids within your understanding. You made mistakes along the way, but who hasn’t. I know as a parent I make mistakes all the time and as a daughter, I made endless amounts of mistakes. It isn’t about the amount of mistakes you make, but the amount of times you pick yourself back up and try again. You tried wholeheartedly to be a good example for your children. An example of perseverance, an example of God’s supernatural transformation because when you turned your life around, you stopped living a lifestyle of drinking and smoking, but started living for the Lord, an example of sacrifice, an example of how God has his arms open to us when we need Him, and above all an example of a father who loves his children.


You will forever be my hero. Heroes aren’t always perfect, but they strive to be better and that’s what I saw growing up. A man who worked hard to be better than his past. There were people who didn’t let go of who you were in the past and still judged you for it, but you withstood the judgment and the accusations and focused on being better. I will forever admire you for that also. I have no idea how you withstood all the people who spoke negatively, including family.


I love you forever, I love you for always.

Your ever so grateful daughter,




Sulfur Filled Days and Fire Filled Nights

When I was about 15 or 16 years old, I got the book that was written by Bill Wiese. He was a man who had an out-of-body experience and spent 23 minutes in hell and wrote a book about the things he saw called, “23 Minutes in Hell” (such a creative book title). The book I got was called, “Hell”, and it was questions that he answered about the previous book he had written. I read maybe like the first two chapters and then stopped reading it because it became too real to me. I got freaked out and decided that I didn’t want to even think about hell. For a long time, I blocked out the idea of hell and took it really lightly that when God comes back for His people, those who didn’t seek Him and lived in obedience and purity will not enter the gates of heaven. What a scary thought. I didn’t want to think about the fact that there was a possibility of people I knew going to hell. It just wasn’t something I wanted to think about, so I didn’t.

Then recently, my mentor from church told me about a young girl who had gone to hell and had seen Selena in hell. (Yes, the singer that I named my daughter after. However, my daughter is covered by the blood of Jesus so she won’t even come close to hell.) I thought that was interesting and decided to look up the testimony on YouTube. This girl experienced hell in a supernatural way. She made a vivid description of how people where being tortured, demons laughing in people’s faces and telling them to worship and praise their new kingdom, rain of sulfur burning people, and how the heat was unbearable.  She talked about how God was crying because He didn’t create hell for people, He created hell for Satan and his demons. It was such an intense testimony and it really got my attention. In the video the girl spoke about how God showed her that her great grandmother was in hell. She was confused as to why her great grandmother was in hell. God told her that she was in hell because of unforgiveness. Crazy, huh? However, not so crazy when you take the time to read the Bible and see what God says about not forgiving people.

People assume that they aren’t going to hell because they’ve never committed murder or haven’t done anything “horrible”. The problem with that is that people judge differently than God. People don’t realize that things like pride and unforgiveness, for example, are sins and can get you to hell. Everything a person needs to know about getting into heaven is in the Bible. The problem is people who call themselves believers want a watered down Christian life. People want to be able to live double lives and at the end of the day say that they are Christian and think that’s going to get them to heaven. The girl who gave the testimony even saw a pope in hell begging for God to forgive him. That pope was in hell because he lied to the people and accepted that they idolized him. He lied to the people and took their money. God showed that girl what was going on in the Catholic church and how they were deceiving people. He showed her how nuns and priests were fornicating and living in sexual immorality. It’s not about religion or position guys. ANYONE can fall into sin if they don’t cling to God and live a life of repentance.  A lot of people don’t want to hear the truth, which is Jesus is coming back soon and if you’re not without sin, you’re staying behind. We will never be perfect or completely without sin, but it’s important to live a lifestyle of repentance and deliverance.

A life without God is no life at all. However, people assume that because they aren’t “suffering” they don’t need God. You want to know the secret? The enemy doesn’t attack people who already feel that they don’t need God because they’re already in their VIP ticket to hell. People assume that because they have money, cars, houses, and other material things that they are “blessed”, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are blessed by God. A lot of people are living under God’s mercy. In other cases, like celebrities, they make pacts with Satan to get fame and fortune here on earth, but what they don’t realize is that they will be judged for that when they go before God. Is 20-30 years of fame and money worth it when you’re going to live for ETERNITY in hell? I don’t think so, but hey, that’s just me.

Being a Christian in the modern age we live in is SO hard because people, especially in the United States, have drifted so far away from God. A person after God’s heart will see how broken this world is and how much the body of Christ needs to step up and reach out to those lost souls. The spirit of the Antichrist is already here and confusing people. There are people who have one way tickets to hell already because they aren’t seeking God and living in obedience to His word. The girl that God showed hell to saw people who were alive, but their souls were already destined for hell. That’s so crazy! I would be so heartbroken to see people I know in hell and I think what breaks my heart even more is that there are people that I know who reject the will of God in their lives.

They reject the Bible because it doesn’t fit the life they want to live.

People are so consumed with their daily lives that they want God to bless them, but they don’t want to spend time with God. They don’t want to worship God, read the Bible, pray for more than 5 minutes, and simply seek to be in God’s presence. However, they think they’ll be in heaven for being a “good” person. Would you let someone you don’t know come live at your house simply because they told you that they were a “good person”? God isn’t doing that either. Heaven is God’s home and He is letting those He knows and have a relationship with come and live in it. If He doesn’t know you, then you’re not getting in. 

Hell is a real place. Don’t take it lightly. Many modern churches don’t like to preach about the reality of hell, which causes some people take hell lightly, but it’s nothing to take lightly. God has taken people to hell so that they can see what it’s like and let people know so that they can avoid going there. He didn’t create hell for people, He created hell for demons and Satan. Satan, however, wants to get as many people down there with him. God created heaven for His people, but if you don’t accept Jesus as your savior, get to know God, and obey Him, then you’re not getting in. You can’t live a lifestyle of sin and think you’re going to get rewarded for it.


Seek God. Obey God. Love God. Love People.

“Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”
 Jesus replied: “ ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’”
-Matthew 22:36-39

His love for you is immeasurable and He doesn’t want any more people in hell. Confess your sins, repent, and seek Him more. That’s all He asks. He wants to be in YOUR presence more than you can imagine.


Love you all and be blessed.




If you need prayer or someone to talk to, you can email me at